archive: 5/13/04

Bram Stoker, in his 1897 masterpiece Dracula, wants us on the offensive, "For the dead travel fast," as he says. And indeed, I'm inclined to agree with him, especially when it comes to Star Wars. Obi-wan dies in Episode IV and almost immediately begins, what turns into, a multi-occasional conversation with young Luke Skywalker. He shows up on Hoth, Degobah, and Endor. Indeed, the dead do travel fast; and all of the dead in those films are saber-carrying members of the Jedi Order. And, quite frankly, I'm not surprised by that. I've been thinking about "real" lightsabers, as I often do from time to time, and I'd like to share some thoughts, some of which have been discussed amongst my friends with some regularity.

First of all, I'm just being speculative here. You know, when you think about a fantasy environment and say "wouldn't it be cool if..." and then you go off on some tangent about whatever. And really, I'm not saying wouldn't it be cool if, but I'd probably be dead if...

I'd probably be dead if lightsabers were real and available, and here are my reasons why real lightsabers are just not a good idea:

1. Lightsabers must have no sense of balance. If you've ever held a knife, a sword, a broom, or a stick, you know about balance in weapons. You know that the "business end" has some sort of counter weight that works it's magic. You know that if you swing your broom 'round and 'round it will build momentum. You've probably seen baseball players or golfers lose their tools because of this momentum. Lightsabers would have no balance, and as a society that lives with melee weapons, or sports tools, that have this kind of balance, we would have an incredibly difficult time adjusting to how they react in motion. Even Jackson Pollack relied on motion and balance to carry paint to the canvas.

2. Lightsabers would be incredibly dangerous. I've busted out my Mattel-made Luke Skywalker Jedi-green lighsaber enough to know that I would be a sorry sight if it were real. I don't how many times I've bounced it off my kneecap, or flung it up into my arm pit by mistake. And suddenly, zippety do-da, I've lost an arm. Or a toe. Or my coffee table.

3. Lightsabers would most likely have no "color guarantee." What it the only stone that could produce a saber blade were pink quartz. What then? I guess I'd go ahead and use a pansy pink lightsaber, but it just wouldn't look cool.

4. Lightsabers run on batteries. Something has to power that crystal to produce a fixed-length stream of light, yes? I'd hate to be in a dire situation and have my battery run out.

Overall, I do think real lightsabers would be neat, if not completely lethal to my limbs, but I'm sure I'll never have to worry about that. And in case the time does come, kids, just say no. Or you too may be traveling with the fast ones.

by Nate Gordon