A. Wilfred Brimley- character actor from such films as The China Syndrome and Cocoon. Shills for diabetus, rides horses, plays poker. In his early career as a playwright he wrote several one act plays about cognitive dissonance and the Spanish- American War.

Air conditioning- the process by which air (ether) is conditioned by filling it with a loud whirring or rumbling sound and a feeble cool-air breeze.

alba- unit of measure of the ratio of acting ability to beauty. The increase in albas means an increase in beauty and a decrease in acting ability. 100 albas = 1 johansson

ankle bracelet- Something that Dave Matthews fans tend to wear, hence easily found in Chevy Cavaliers and frat houses, also the white house.

asparagus- A tasty green or white vegetable that comes in spears. Good when braised and covered in a lemon butter sauce.

blues- As in your damn right I got the blues. Made up by a greeting card company.

bonk- A word used to describe the action (or lack thereof) when a person makes an obvious mistake, which results in a less than satisfactory outcome in a situation. eg. a person has bonked when he/she forgets to send an important email, fax, letter, etc. to another person, even though his/her superior explicitly requested the person complete said task before a certain deadline. eg2. a man and woman meet at a bus stop and begin to converse while waiting for the bus. They "hit it off great" and continue the conversation on the bus ride. The two ultimately exit at different stops, and as they depart the man cannot conjure up the courage to ask for the woman's phone number. "Man, I totally bonked," would be his response when telling friends about how he met a very attractive and interesting female at the bus stop earlier in the day.

Bryant, Kobe- SEE makin' bank!

CAN- Progressive German rock band from Cologne. Fans have split into two major groups surrounding the origin of the band's name. One group believes it is CAN as in "aluminum can" while the other thinks it is more likely CAN as in "I can go to the Boc."

Canadian- Nationality of choice for sketch comedians, newscasters and musicians who don the guise of ordinary Americans in a subversive attempt to take over the United States from within.

capsule- A small container usually containing medicine or astronauts. Capsules can be made to disintegrate in the stomach's juices or to pop open and release their contents. For pronunciation see the David Bowie song "Space Oddity".

Cicero- A Roman statesman and orator known as Marcus Tullius who lived 106-43 BC. In Latin his name is pronounced "kee'-kur-oh" and means "chickpea."

clackers- What old people call their false teeth, especially when they lose weight and their teeth fall out in mid-sentence.

cow- What a cow thinks when it sees any other thing. For instance, when the farmer drives the tractor out to the field the cows think, "here cows a big cow. Now a small cow has got off the big cow. The small cow brought us some cow. What a nice cow!"

cream cheese- Nectar of life.

Cold turkey- stop as if you were a dead farm animal. Alternatives include frigid cow, ice duck, and lukewarm-but-still-dead chicken.

<Crocodile tears- false tears shed by crocodiles to garner sympathy for them and their reptilian ilk. Ponce De Leon believed that the tears of the North American crocodile contained the magic ability to prevent and even reverse aging.

Douglas, Michael- Married now to Catherine Zeta-Jones (the world's second most famous person from Wales), Michael Douglas is best known for his portrayal of a renegade, conniving, bird salesman in the movie Romancing the Stone. He also appeared in the sequel Jewel of the Nile, which was no Stone but just about as good as Black Rain. He also did some great work in The Wonder Boys and Fatal Attraction. While filming the latter he ate some bad egg salad from the caterer and now has a no-egg-salad-clause in his contract. He likes puppies.

Gibson, William- Author of essential sci-fi novels Neuromancer and Count Zero. The latter is a collection of short stories from which the blockbuster flop, Johnny Mnemonic, starring Keaneu Reeves came. Gibson is credited with coining the term cyberspace as well as envisioning the internet before it was born. His books have a hard time being made into movies because prominent characters wear accessories such as hot pink fanny packs that would not do well in cross-marketing. He is skinny, wears overcoats, and lives in British Columbia.

Hillary, Sir Edmund- Once known as the man who tamed Mount Everest, this knight of the realm now shills for Toyota.

jolt- A swift kick to the head. Usually done by a clydesdale or other large horse. Cows and large goats have also been known to land these kicks.

Jones, Tom- Crooner of great fame, noted as the world's most famous person from Wales. His achievements include a Las Vegas show and several albums. His life has been immortalized fittingly in the song "Tom Jones, the Most Famous Welshman" sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer".

Lilliputian- A word that is fun to say. Especially when combined with the words "moist" and "grouting compound."

lynx- Diminutive cousin of the puma, the lynx hunts only at night using its keen hearing and sense of smell to catch mice, voles, shrews, and family pets. The lynx can become invisible in the shadows of the forest or suburban backyard. It sleeps in a nest of National Geographics deep within a hollow log during the day.

Man-at-Arms- Character from the He-Man comics, cartoon, action figure set, and movie. Based loosely on the stand-up comedy sketches of Howie Mandel, Man-at-Arms is the adopted father of Teela, the secret daughter of the Sorceress.

manties- Male panties or briefs.

makin' bank!- The phrase used when someone is making a lot of money for doing a job that does not necessarily warrant such income. eg. Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers is a good basketball player, and he makes bank! All things considered however, his physical abilities should not mean he gets to make seven million dollars a year playing basketball. Compare this to a rookie school teacher in the L.A. school district, who earns $23,000 a year teaching fourth graders nine months a year.

mokita- A term used by the Kiriwina tribespeople of the Trobriand Islands to describe the unspoken truths of certain social situations that everybody knows but nobody talks about (definition adapted from They Have a Word for It: A Lighthearted Lexicon of Untranslatable Words & Phrases by Howard Rheingold, who has "written a number of works exhibiting his interest in the human mind")

noonan- The word said by a billiards player to jinx an opponent just before he/she is about to lose the game. The word is best used just before the opponent is about to hit the 8-ball into a pocket to win the game, by softly yelling in a quick, surprising tone of voice, "Noonan!"

Paris-ite- A person who likes Paris too much; often identifiable by an abundance of Paris-themed knickknacks (decorative Eiffel Towers and the like), the overuse of French words when their native tongue would suffice, and a tendency to utter the word "Paris" with a breathy reverence; usually derogative.

pear-shaped- the shape the world goes when nothing seems to go your way. Your round-round world goes pear-shaped when you miss your train, step in a puddle, spill your coffee, fall on the tracks, and fry for a spot on the third rail.

pineapple- A succulently fleshy fruit hidden inside an oblong stalk covered with abortive flowers. Also found in chunk form toothpicked to the bill in Chinese restaurants or stranded on Sao Miguel island in the Azores. Insurance lawyer Wallace Stevens often referred to the pineapple as "yesterday's volcano," "Out of the bottle the green genii come," and "The owl sits humped. It has a hundred eyes."

Public Access TV- (1) a secret window into the psyche of everyday Americans; (2) often the funniest thing on television; (3) often the most disturbing thing on television

pooch- the dog

portcullis- corrugated metal door to cover up the display window

resort town- A linguistic vortex in which "museum" and "gift shop" are synonyms.

rigor- cold, unyielding. In education circles, rigor refers to a preferred method of instruction.

Rodriguez, Alex- (also AROD) SEE makin' bank!

<Salty- 1. saying fuck a lot. 2. looking as if you probably say fuck a lot.

Salty dog- any mariner whose mannerisms and speech are salty.

sandwich- (1)A method of eating where food items are placed between to slices of bread. Requires a large mouth and pickles. (2) A name given to pets, usually cats. (3) South of here, north of there. (4) Anything pleasant when the pleasant things feels like it squeezes you between bread slices.

Scallywag- see salty dog

shank- The end of anything.

shiv- Makeshift.

slacks- A word that is never fun to say. It is only used by women over the age of 65 in reference to polyester pants (or trousers if you are from England).

Smell the Glove- The 1984 release by Spinal Tap, coinciding with their U.S. tour. The original art had a naked woman wearing a dog collar down on all four smelling a glove. Later the album was made simply black and used by some as a mirror. The name actually comes from a line in the song "Louie, Louie" by The Kingsman. "On the ship I dream she there. I smell the rose in her hair." Due to the endearing yet poor quality of "Louie, Louie" one can see how mistakes might happen.

Steller's jay- Also known as the camp thief or whisky jack, the Steller's jay will fly up to you and steal bagel or sour cream and onion chips directly from your mouth. Found mostly in the western United States and Canada, the Steller's jay makes its nest in conifers, drain pipes, and rusted out cars. It is the only jay that has complete 360 degree vision. The call of the Steller's jay is staccato and loud and is said to sound like a deep voiced child saying "Man Ray, Man Ray". It has light gray feathers on its body and wings, with a darker gray to brown cap.

Sting machine- machine invented by musician Sting in which a person (celebrity) enters one end and emerges the other with a new philosophy, style, and haircut. Used by people (celebrities) in an attempt to remain relevant . Patent pending.

sunbreak- A term used by Seattle weatherpersons to create the illusion Seattle actually has weather.

superfluous clapping- applause for completion of required, banal, or ridiculously easy tasks. Usually occurs in presence of powerpoint presentation.

sucko- Pittsburgh-ese for anything that goes wrong, gets in the way, takes to long, or generally sucks.

uvula- The red flesh nodule that dangles in the back of the mouth. In cartoons it is often seen when the character is screaming. Sometimes there is a little face on the uvula that is also screaming. This is physically impossible for humans since they do not have faces on their uvulas. Only cartoon characters can do this. Do not try to make your own uvula scream without expert supervision and outside of a closed course.

watch the puddle- Shouted by the Buddha at a monk who was carelessly walking across his garden. Upon hearing the words, the monk achieved enlightenment; however, he did step in the puddle. Contemporary usage suggests the Zen aspects of the phrase have been diminished considerably in favor of the more literal meaning. It is unclear whether the Buddha meant one or the other. Or both.

whisky jack- SEE Steller's jay.

By Luke Albrecht, Patrick Benedetti, Luke Bush, Jessica Campbell, John J. Kim, and Chris Lynn